Neighbor Stories

[titch2k6]

I lead a sad life.

I actually have a post I can't tell a tale in.......

 

[jadamz]

Years ago we had a neighbor behind us who was a commercial real estate developer. They did a lot of entertaining in their beautiful back yard, complete with high end landscaping, bricked grill, hot tub, and gazebo that acted as a bar. We'd occasionally wave across the fence/hedge that divided the properties, but that was about it.

A number of years later, Mrs Duke decided to start a compost pile in the back yard. Several months into it, the neighbor motioned to me as I was mowing the yard. He immediately started ranting about our "trash pit," and demanded we remove it because it embarrassed him in front of his clients. He called us "hillbillies" and said if it wasn't gone within a week, he'd "call the city."

A few weeks later an inspector knocked on our front door and let us know he was there to investigate a complaint about a trash pile. I walked out with him and in less than a minute he completed his inspection. He told me everything was fine and to not worry about it, but he did comment on how angry the neighbor had been.

As a natural born counter puncher, I decided to mess with him. First I strung up a clothes line between two trees parallel to the fence/hedges. The next day I went to a couple different thrift stores where I bought size "mumbo jumbo" panties, bras, and briefs. I also picked up a tin of brown shoe polish. Now it was a waiting game.

A few weeks later, they hosted another wing ding, and just as things were getting going, I went out (in bib overalls) and hung up the massive undergarments (with appropriately located shoe polish "skidmarks") I'd bought on the clothes line. Within minutes, they all went back inside.

A man after my own heart.Genius!!
If you ever want to read a fabulous book it is this:

E-Mails from an A**HOLE

Sorry this is long but ohhh so funny...This is the funniest book i haev ever read...these are the kind if stories

+++++++++++++++
Spacious Studio Apartment
Posted at: 2011-02-10 14:39:39

Original ad:
Hello. I am a responsible young professional looking to sublet a studio or 1 br apt in or around East village. I am looking to move in on Mar 15. 2000/mo is my budget. Thanks

From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey,

I am leaving for London on business and need to sublet my studio apartment immediately. It is a beautiful spacious apartment in the East Village (near Tompkins Square Park). Rent is $1750/month and you can move in as soon as February 25th. Please let me know if you are interested.

Regards,

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hi Mike thanks for responding. A few questions: how big is the apt? how long is the lease til? do you have any pics or a floor plan? I want to move in on mar 15- is that ok?

From Me to Ari ******:

March 15th is fine with me. The apartment is 370 square feet. I don't have any pictures, but I have included a floor plan to give you an idea of the layout of the apartment. The lease is up in November 2011, but you have the option to renew if you wish. Please let me know if you have any more questions about the apartment.

Mike

Attachments:

From Ari ****** to Me:

Mike did you send me the wrong plan or is there really a pool in your apartment.

From Me to Ari ******:

Oh, yes. I should have mentioned the pool. I had an exercise pool installed in the apartment because I was training for a swimming marathon. It is a really nice pool. It is 39 inches deep with powerful jets and a vinyl liner. The pool is great if you like to swim.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Thats a pretty important thing to forget to mention, doncha think?! It takes up the whole f-ing apartment! How is there no bathroom?? Where am I supposed to shower and sleep?

From Me to Ari ******:

I know, it is a really nice pool. I usually use the kitchen as the bathroom. You can either pee in the sink, or out the window. The window overlooks an alley behind 5th St, and most of the time nobody walks below you. Even if you do piss on someone, you are on the 7th floor so they will probably have no idea where it came from. By the time it hits them, you will most likely be zipped up and have the window shut. The sink has a garbage disposal in case you need to take a dump.

Showering? You don't need to shower - you have a pool! Just go for a swim any time you are trying to wash off.

Sleep? I've got that covered too. I have an extremely comfortable pool raft I sleep on. It is like sleeping on a waterbed! It has a couple of cup holders you can put your phone/keys/beer/whatever in. I'll include this with the apartment for an extra $10.

I am free tomorrow if you want to check the place out and fill out the sublet papers.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hmm well yes that does sound nice, but I am looking for a place where I dont have to shit in my sink and sleep in a Damn pool. Come on man! Good luck finding someone to rent you'll need it!

From Me to Ari ******:

You don't have to shit in the sink, it is just an option. You can also shit out the window, or shit in a bucket next to the window and dump it out the window. There is an Indian restaurant that backs up to the alley, so it already smells like shit down there.

At least come over and try my raft before you decide that sleeping in a pool is a bad thing. I'll even throw in a couple of pool noodles for free.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Stop trying to sell me your POS apartment, if you can even call it that. You know what makes an apartment an apartment? A bed. Bathroom. Furnature. NOT A friggin POOL.

Why am I arguing with you? This is friggin ridiculous. Conversation over.

From Me to Ari ******:

Why are you so afraid of sleeping in this pool? Be honest, do you not know how to swim? If so, I can give you the number of a good lifeguard I know.

From Ari ****** to Me:

Shut the hell up. I hope you drown in your pool!

 

[jadamz]

Well, I have another story which is about bad neighbors. This happened years ago, when my little girl was about ten. My father had given her a bike for her birthday and she used to leave it in the back yard of the apartment house we lived in. It was a three family house, so the neighbors on one side had a little girl too, and she left her bike out too. We got some really unsavory new neighbors; two young men. They started littering the nice yard with cigarette butts and beer bottles, and they would stand outside and curse a lot. The kids could no longer play in the back yard. One day I asked them to keep their loud music down because it was late and we were trying to sleep. They called me a nasty name. The next day, my daughter's brand new bike went missing. I figured they felt free to do this because I was a single mother and they figured I couldn't do anything about it.

I decided enough was enough.

I start watching them, and noticed that they seemed to be having a lot of visitors who only stayed for a short time. I strongly suspected drug activity and knew I had to tread carefully. I called the Vice Squad and reported my suspicions, and asked to remain anonymous. I was given a code name, and they asked me to observe whenever a strange car showed up, and to unobtrusively collect license plate numbers. Then I was to use my code name and phone them in once a week. I could see the cars clearly from an upstairs window by using the view finder on my camera. My daughter helped, under pretense of checking for mail; we had one of those curbside mailboxes. She would casually glance at whatever car was parked there and memorize the license plate then I would add it to the list.

In the meantime I started looking for a new place to live. A month after we moved out, we had the good fortune to see the news story about how a S.W.A.T team descended on that house and busted the members of a drug ring. They were all arrested.

Emma Peel-worthy,Garnet

 

[jadamz]

I'm so sorry,here is another one of these E-mails from A-hole

Clumsy Seller
Posted at: 2011-03-20 14:05:09

Original ad:
MULTI-DISC CD player wanted
WTB a CD changer that can hold at least 50 CDs. Must be in good condition. Email or call 215-***-****
From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hello,

I am selling my 60-Disc Technics SL-MC4 CD changer. This thing is in excellent condition and works great. I have included a picture of it. I'm asking $75 for it. Please let me know if you are interested.

Best,

Mike

Attachments:

From Steve ******* to Me:

Mike, the CD player looks good. Does it have a remote? If so, I can pick it up tomorrow. Where do you live?

Steve

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve,

It does have a remote. Tomorrow works for me, I work in Manayunk near the hospital and can bring the CD player to work with me. We can meet anywhere around there in the afternoon.

Just one minor thing though, and I truly am sorry about this, but I accidentally tripped over the CD player in the dark earlier and chipped the side of the plastic cover. There isn't a screen there and it does not affect the performance whatsoever, but I just thought I should let you know. I've included a picture of the small chip.

Mike

Attachments:

From Steve ******* to Me:

No worries... That is fine. What's your phone number? Mine is 215-***-****.

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve, I'm really sorry, but I accidentally damaged it a little more. I really should have moved it out of the middle of the hallway, because I just tripped over it again. Unfortunately I was wearing steel-tipped boots and cracked the plastic cover around the screen. A few of the buttons got mashed in as well. You can still play songs 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, and 9, though. Or just use the remote. It still plays CDs fine, and I've included a picture of it powered on so you can see that it still works.

Once again, I am terribly sorry about this. I am going to knock $10 off of the price for your inconvenience.

Mike

Attachments:

From Steve ******* to Me:

Could you drop the price down to $50? That looks pretty bad.

From Me to Steve *******:

Sure. It is my fault for tripping over it anyway.

From Me to Steve *******:

Hey, it's me again. I was loading the CD player into my trunk to bring to work tomorrow, but then my friend called me and I got distracted. Long story short, I forgot the CD player was behind my car and I accidentally backed over it a little bit when I went to go to Wawa. Thankfully I hit the brakes before I crushed anything important, but the back frame is a little bent.

I assure you that the CD player still works. On the bright side, the car must have popped that chipped plastic cover off of the front, so now you can clearly see the real screen. I think it looks better, don't you? From the front, staring at it head on, you can't even tell that the back is bashed in like that. Seeing as I improved the looks from the front, I am going to bump the price back up to $60.

I am going to try my best to bend the metal frame back to the way it was. Once again, I am very sorry about this.

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

Are you kidding me? That thing is ruined. What a freaking klutz you are! How didn't you realize it was behind your car?

From Steve ******* to Me:

Oh, and you have the nerve to charge me MORE money for breaking it worse?

From Me to Steve *******:

Don't worry, I can fix it. I'm working on fixing it right now.

From Me to Steve *******:

Okay, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, the CD player still works. The bad news is that I was smoking a cigar while I was trying to repair it, and it accidentally set part of the CD player on fire.

As you can see from the picture, some of the CD player has melted. Thanks to my 2 months experience as a volunteer firefighter, my instincts kicked in and I was able to extinguish the flames with my coffee before too much of the CD player melted. It still can hold about 33-35 CDs, and all that stuff that melted on the right side wasn't important anyway.

Unfortunately, I drink expensive coffee and it was nearly full when I had to use it to put out the fire. Therefore, I am adding another $3 to the price of the CD player to bring the grand total to $63.

Once again, the CD player still works. I think it sounds even better than before. It is now in my trunk and ready to be sold to you tomorrow. I'll give you a call when I have my lunch break so we can meet up for the sale.

Thanks,

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

You must be stupid if you think I'll pay $63 for the charred remains of your CD player. I can't believe how badly you managed to heck that thing up. How are you still alive? How have you managed to make it this far in life, when CLEARLY you are too foolish to keep even a CD player from being burned to a crisp? I really want to know! Please, Mike, tell me.

From Me to Steve *******:

I'm sorry if I upset you by bumping the price up to $63. Let's just call it $60. Deal?

From Steve ******* to Me:

...how are you this dumb?

 

[jadamz]

I'm so sorry,here is another one of these E-mails from A-hole

Clumsy Seller
Posted at: 2011-03-20 14:05:09

Original ad:
MULTI-DISC CD player wanted
WTB a CD changer that can hold at least 50 CDs. Must be in good condition. Email or call 215-***-****
From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hello,

I am selling my 60-Disc Technics SL-MC4 CD changer. This thing is in excellent condition and works great. I have included a picture of it. I'm asking $75 for it. Please let me know if you are interested.

Best,

Mike

Attachments:
View attachment 32208From Steve ******* to Me:

Mike, the CD player looks good. Does it have a remote? If so, I can pick it up tomorrow. Where do you live?

Steve

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve,

It does have a remote. Tomorrow works for me, I work in Manayunk near the hospital and can bring the CD player to work with me. We can meet anywhere around there in the afternoon.

Just one minor thing though, and I truly am sorry about this, but I accidentally tripped over the CD player in the dark earlier and chipped the side of the plastic cover. There isn't a screen there and it does not affect the performance whatsoever, but I just thought I should let you know. I've included a picture of the small chip.

Mike

Attachments:

View attachment 32209From Steve ******* to Me:

No worries... That is fine. What's your phone number? Mine is 215-***-****.

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve, I'm really sorry, but I accidentally damaged it a little more. I really should have moved it out of the middle of the hallway, because I just tripped over it again. Unfortunately I was wearing steel-tipped boots and cracked the plastic cover around the screen. A few of the buttons got mashed in as well. You can still play songs 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, and 9, though. Or just use the remote. It still plays CDs fine, and I've included a picture of it powered on so you can see that it still works.

Once again, I am terribly sorry about this. I am going to knock $10 off of the price for your inconvenience.

Mike

Attachments:

View attachment 32210From Steve ******* to Me:

Could you drop the price down to $50? That looks pretty bad.

From Me to Steve *******:

Sure. It is my fault for tripping over it anyway.

From Me to Steve *******:

Hey, it's me again. I was loading the CD player into my trunk to bring to work tomorrow, but then my friend called me and I got distracted. Long story short, I forgot the CD player was behind my car and I accidentally backed over it a little bit when I went to go to Wawa. Thankfully I hit the brakes before I crushed anything important, but the back frame is a little bent.
View attachment 32211

I assure you that the CD player still works. On the bright side, the car must have popped that chipped plastic cover off of the front, so now you can clearly see the real screen. I think it looks better, don't you? From the front, staring at it head on, you can't even tell that the back is bashed in like that. Seeing as I improved the looks from the front, I am going to bump the price back up to $60.

I am going to try my best to bend the metal frame back to the way it was. Once again, I am very sorry about this.

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

Are you kidding me? That thing is ruined. What a freaking klutz you are! How didn't you realize it was behind your car?

From Steve ******* to Me:

Oh, and you have the nerve to charge me MORE money for breaking it worse?

From Me to Steve *******:

Don't worry, I can fix it. I'm working on fixing it right now.

From Me to Steve *******:

Okay, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, the CD player still works. The bad news is that I was smoking a cigar while I was trying to repair it, and it accidentally set part of the CD player on fire.

View attachment 32212As you can see from the picture, some of the CD player has melted. Thanks to my 2 months experience as a volunteer firefighter, my instincts kicked in and I was able to extinguish the flames with my coffee before too much of the CD player melted. It still can hold about 33-35 CDs, and all that stuff that melted on the right side wasn't important anyway.

Unfortunately, I drink expensive coffee and it was nearly full when I had to use it to put out the fire. Therefore, I am adding another $3 to the price of the CD player to bring the grand total to $63.

Once again, the CD player still works. I think it sounds even better than before. It is now in my trunk and ready to be sold to you tomorrow. I'll give you a call when I have my lunch break so we can meet up for the sale.

Thanks,

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

You must be stupid if you think I'll pay $63 for the charred remains of your CD player. I can't believe how badly you managed to heck that thing up. How are you still alive? How have you managed to make it this far in life, when CLEARLY you are too foolish to keep even a CD player from being burned to a crisp? I really want to know! Please, Mike, tell me.

From Me to Steve *******:

I'm sorry if I upset you by bumping the price up to $63. Let's just call it $60. Deal?

From Steve ******* to Me:

...how are you this dumb?

 

[jadamz]

O.k I PROMISE this will be the last!

Paying by Prayer
Posted at: 2010-06-27 23:42:57

Original ad:
Help me! I'm in desperate need of a Blu-ray player. I don't have a lot of money so if you want to give me one for free, that would be great. In return I will say many prayers for you! Please e-mail me @ ***********@verizon.net
From Me to ***********@verizon.net:

Hey there,

I have an old Blu-Ray player I don't use anymore. Are you interested?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Yes I am very much interested! What brand is the player and is it free?

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

It is a Samsung player, and whether it is free or not depends on you...how many prayers are we talking about here?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I will say many prayers for you!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Yeah, I got that. Specifically, how many prayers? This Blu-Ray player wasn't cheap. I'm thinking, 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys every day for a year. Does that sound good?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Mike, the quantity of prayers is not important - it is the sincerity and power of the prayer that matters. I will be genuinely thankful and show this through my prayers!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Sorry, but I'm not settling for anything less than 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys per day. The last guy I gave my plasma TV to gave me that "sincere prayer" crap but I don't it worked at all. My wife's breasts still aren't bigger and my lottery tickets still aren't winning. The only thing that matters is the amount of prayers that you say. It is your choice; 100 prayers a day or no blu-ray player.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I think you are misunderstanding the purpose of prayer. Surely you can't expect me to say that many prayers - it would take all day!

From Me to Cathy ********:

I'm willing to cut you a deal, Cathy. I'll only ask for 50 prayers a day, but in return, you have to come say grace whenever I eat dinner. I'll accept you saying grace for me over the phone if I happen to be eating at a drive-thru fast food place.

I'll also throw in my copy of "Drag Me to Hell" on Blu-Ray.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Please stop. You are being preposterous.

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

My apologies. I guess you are right, I am asking for a bit too much. Here's what I'll do. I'll go by what my priest made me do the last time I confessed to stealing a Blu-Ray player. He made me say 20 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers, but I think the Our Fathers were because I pistol-whipped a guy while I was stealing it. Since I didn't have to pistol-whip anyone this time, I'll give it to you for only 20 Hail Marys. How does this sound? This is practically face value in prayer.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Oh my lord, you have lost your mind! I will get a Blu-ray player elsewhere.

 

[Duke]

Jad, those remind me of Dan Novello's "Lazlo Toth Letters." Did you ever work with him?

 

[jadamz]

Jad, those remind me of Dan Novello's "Lazlo Toth Letters." Did you ever work with him?

No What,where?

 

[jadamz]

Found it! Looks great! thanks

 

[jadamz]

Jad, those remind me of Dan Novello's "Lazlo Toth Letters." Did you ever work with him?

No but i like how he thinks! loved Father Guido Sarducci (What a gerat name)