Does time truly heal all wounds?

[Lone Wolf]

Next Friday will mark 9 months since I lost my dad, and it still feels as if it only happened yesterday. I felt as if I were literally watching a car wreck waiting to happen and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I felt powerless. And I feel as if I failed.

My parents were married for nearly 40 years and had what almost seemed to be a storybook marriage. They had their share of faults as many seem to, but they had a rock-solid, wonderful marriage. Before she died, she told me to watch after him.

He seemed to be OK at first, but over time, the loss took a toll on him. He used to be one of the most active individuals I had ever met, and he it had gotten so bad he wouldn't even leave the house anymore. He'd order food, grocery, and drink. His diet consisted of fast food, Coke Zero, and Budweiser.

Anything I'd say or do, would go in one ear, and right out of the other. Some people may argue that it was his choice, but I can't shake the feeling that I could have done more.

And worst of all? He actually felt like he was bothering me whenever he'd ask for anything. That was a stab in what's left of my heart because he wasn't. He never was. He was a blessing, and he never even knew. I'd give anything to have him back, but that's just a stupid fantasy that will never become a reality. And his death changed me, because now I feel like I'm dead inside.

I had to put this out here.

 

[Paulm]

Next Friday will mark 9 months since I lost my dad, and it still feels as if it only happened yesterday. I felt as if I were literally watching a car wreck waiting to happen and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I felt powerless. And I feel as if I failed.

My parents were married for nearly 40 years and had what almost seemed to be a storybook marriage. They had their share of faults as many seem to, but they had a rock-solid, wonderful marriage. Before she died, she told me to watch after him.

He seemed to be OK at first, but over time, the loss took a toll on him. He used to be one of the most active individuals I had ever met, and he it had gotten so bad he wouldn't even leave the house anymore. He'd order food, grocery, and drink. His diet consisted of fast food, Coca-Cola Zero, and beer.

Anything I'd say or do, would go in one ear, and right out of the other. Some people may argue that it was his choice, but I can't shake the feeling that it could have been more.

And worst of all? He actually felt like he was bothering me whenever he'd ask for anything. That was a stab in what's left of my heart because he wasn't. He never was. He was a blessing, and he never even knew. I'd give anything to have him back, but that's just a stupid fantasy that will never become a reality. And his death changed me, because now I feel like I'm dead inside.

I had to put this out here.

vent all you need to, man. it takes a while, and it sucks....most here have lost a parent, if not both, and understand. ive lost close family members twice this year now. one in june, and just got a call last week of the second. i lost my dad 10 years ago and while we werent really all that close i still think about him at times and wish i would have did things differently. but as cliche as it sounds or irritating to hear, youve got to move on. it will get easier, but still may surface at times, the doubts or second guessing. push those thoughts aside, it will get easier.... dont take it personal if you think he felt as though he was bothering you, pride makes it hard to ask for help/favors... nothing against you, he probably just wanted to be as self reliant as much as possible..... you said he changed over time, felt empty, the loss took its toll on him, dont let it do the same to you....dont let it envelope you and take you down the same path...... yes its hard, yes it hurts. but its not what they would want, they would want the best for you and for you to be happy....... it will get easier, but you have to "move on".....it may take a while, just dont give up.

 

[Duke]

vent all you need to, man. it takes a while, and it sucks....most here have lost a parent, if not both, and understand. ive lost close family members twice this year now. one in june, and just got a call last week of the second. i lost my dad 10 years ago and while we werent really all that close i still think about him at times and wish i would have did things differently. but as cliche as it sounds or irritating to hear, youve got to move on. it will get easier, but still may surface at times, the doubts or second guessing. push those thoughts aside, it will get easier.... dont take it personal if you think he felt as though he was bothering you, pride makes it hard to ask for help/favors... nothing against you, he probably just wanted to be as self reliant as much as possible..... you said he changed over time, felt empty, the loss took its toll on him, dont let it do the same to you....dont let it envelope you and take you down the same path...... yes its hard, yes it hurts. but its not what they would want, they would want the best for you and for you to be happy....... it will get easier, but you have to "move on".....it may take a while, just dont give up.

I agree with everything Paul said, but want to look at the bigger picture from a slightly different angle. Yes, I've lost both parents and a brother. Over the past 3-4 years, I've also lost most of my oldest and dearest friends. The most recent one was in June, and another is currently lingering under hospice care and nonresponsive.

It may sound a bit arbitrary, but I found I had "moved on" from deaths of loved ones/friends when I no longer thought about having to tell them about/share with them something then ongoing or an event in my life. That length of time with each individual varied, and some I'm still not there, yet.

Saw a rare airplane of interest.....I need to tell Dad. Oh. Getting tickets to a particular concert....I'll call my brother to see if he'd like to go. Crap. I don't understand how this sensor works.....I'll call my best friend Mike the EE. Too late. Going to a football game....I'm sure Jimmy will want to go. And he would have.

I still having loving (and sometimes not so loving) memories of those I've lost, but the pain of those loses have eased/are easing. I don't want those memories (and associated pain) to go away entirely, however. Too many pleasant memories.

 

[Lone Wolf]

nothing against you, he probably just wanted to be as self reliant as much as possible.....

I didn't. I was just taken aback by that, just as I was when the EMTS were called for one of the last times and he told them that he hadn't eaten in 4 days, which in turn was news to me which also prompted me to ask me why he didn't call, and I only got the same response. He was a blessing. Definitely not a burden to me.

dont let it do the same to you....dont let it envelope you and take you down the same path

Apologies, but I'm just being blunt here. That's easier said than done. Losing a loved one sucks, but this one hit harder than a freight train.

 

[GoneWestUtah]

In 20 years, you may understand why your dad withdrew. I know that now, it makes no sense.
Know that it was nothing you did wrong. It was also probably nothing you could have done much about.
Don't beat yourself up. He is in a better place, and wants you to be happy. Treasure your memories, but you will see him again.

 

[jadamz]

Next Friday will mark 9 months since I lost my dad, and it still feels as if it only happened yesterday. I felt as if I were literally watching a car wreck waiting to happen and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I felt powerless. And I feel as if I failed.

My parents were married for nearly 40 years and had what almost seemed to be a storybook marriage. They had their share of faults as many seem to, but they had a rock-solid, wonderful marriage. Before she died, she told me to watch after him.

He seemed to be OK at first, but over time, the loss took a toll on him. He used to be one of the most active individuals I had ever met, and he it had gotten so bad he wouldn't even leave the house anymore. He'd order food, grocery, and drink. His diet consisted of fast food, Coke Zero, and Budweiser.

Anything I'd say or do, would go in one ear, and right out of the other. Some people may argue that it was his choice, but I can't shake the feeling that I could have done more.

And worst of all? He actually felt like he was bothering me whenever he'd ask for anything. That was a stab in what's left of my heart because he wasn't. He never was. He was a blessing, and he never even knew. I'd give anything to have him back, but that's just a stupid fantasy that will never become a reality. And his death changed me, because now I feel like I'm dead inside.

I had to put this out here.

I feel you,LW. Going on 10 months since my beloved Jadmom passed. I truly did not think I would/could make it without her. I was convinced. yet, here I am. Shredded up and frequently sobbing but still here and (shockingly) glad I am. I know in my bones that what your father didn't realize then, he does now and has only love and gratitude for you and your efforts. (That is not wishful thinking. I know in my bones) I came to the realization that I am my mom's legacy and I am committed to living a rich life perfectly imperfect in honor of her.

 

[jadamz]

I feel you,LW. Going on 10 months since my beloved Jadmom passed. I truly did not think I would/could make it without her. I was convinced. yet, here I am. Shredded up and frequently sobbing but still here and (shockingly) glad I am. I know in my bones that what your father didn't realize then, he does now and has only love and gratitude for you and your efforts. (That is not wishful thinking. I know in my bones) I came to the realization that I am my mom's legacy and I am committed to living a rich life perfectly imperfect in honor of her.

thanks Duke. x

 

[Lone Wolf]

I feel you,LW. Going on 10 months since my beloved Jadmom passed. I truly did not think I would/could make it without her. I was convinced. yet, here I am. Shredded up and frequently sobbing but still here and (shockingly) glad I am. I know in my bones that what your father didn't realize then, he does now and has only love and gratitude for you and your efforts. (That is not wishful thinking. I know in my bones) I came to the realization that I am my mom's legacy and I am committed to living a rich life perfectly imperfect in honor of her.

I'm unsure if I ever said it, but I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Tworivers71]

I get it…..Lost Mom in February……

 

[ozentity]

Wolf, you just have to remind yourself we all have our time here and we are lucky to be given this. I remember when my brother died and people telling me to get over it? You don't but to honor their life you need to have a good one, cherish the memories and it's ok to cry sometimes. We will always miss them but they will always be our father, mother, brother or sister and we will meet again soon enough and feel the love that day, the best day .