I’ve been pondering when or if I would ever share the following post. This thread about "temper" is so right on the head of the topic that I choose to do so. What I share below could sound a little contrary to other things I have posted before but I assure you that it is not. It is however a very, very personal secret I have kept for over 20 years.
Let me start by sharing the possible contrary info. Very recently I opened a thread titled, “The first time I believe I knowingly manipulated energy” - though the events in that thread are slightly more recent than what I will share below, the events in that prior post are in fact the first time that I “knowingly” (by choice) manipulated energy. The second of two backstories is relevant to my username and why I pursued a pagan path as I’d mentioned in one of my earliest posts that I’d elected to study Wicca - and witchcraft generally - in an attempt to gain control over my psychic self. Though that is true, it is not my telepathic nor empathic psychic occurrences which made me urgently jump at witchcraft for help; it was my temper.
Let me try to summarize in not more than three paragraphs where I was at mentally way back during high school because that is when my troubles started. I definitely discovered my telepathic self at age 16; and, I learned that I was also empathic either very late in my 17th year or just after turning 18. In any case, besides dealing with my own adolescent brain, I was having to deal with other students’ adolescence as well by being in telepathic/empathic receipt of their thoughts and feelings. I knew nothing about the protective technique of shielding. Potentially any thought (and it’s related emotions) could invade my world at anytime forcing me to sort out “them from me” parsing the difference between the two in an attempt to ensure I wasn’t just going clinically insane.
Then I encountered anger - other peoples’ angers. I had worked so hard at 14 and 15 years old to overcome my own angers so that I could end my substance abuse. By age 16 I was clean and knew that my earlier pains and angers would not influence my actions again. The problem was by age 17 or 18 I was having to deal internally with other people’s’ angers too. I don’t feel that I’ve ever picked up telepathically any thought that anyone has never truly wanted to share. However, the kinds of thoughts which some people seem to really want to share are not always the same thoughts those same people would ever actually verbalize or act on. So I’d infrequently learn things that people wanted - even longed - to share but would not let out publicly. I had to deal with those thoughts which sometimes included their feelings of intense anger.
Final level setting statements and then on to the trigger event that is the basis of this post. During those high school years, I did everything possible not to externalize any anger for fear that I would slip back into my old substance abuse habits. For some odd reason it seemed to me that I was better off dealing with the anger totally alone than to let it out - the anger seemed like it would be bigger in the outside world than it was while I contained it within my own inside world. Unfortunately others saw the struggle; my then-GF and my drama coach both tried to help me externalize the anger in order to work through it but I would not do it.
That was the very late 1970s. Jump ahead to New Years Eve 1995/1996. I had made a reservation to take my family of five to dinner at one of my favorite, small family owned restaurants. Though this restaurant was a little closer to where I lived, it was fully a one hour drive each way for the rest of my family. Once I knew my family was on their way to pick me up, I called the restaurant again to confirm my reservation and to let them know we would still arrive approximately on time. Well, when we got there, we were greeted with a note on the door stating that because their business was slow, they had decided to suddenly close for the remainder of the holiday evening. Cue the anger...mixed with embarrassment! Massive, external, anger! It took me about 30 minutes to calm down to a state where I could even get back into the car.
I awoke on the first day of the new year with the same massive, raging anger. For a week I struggled against the anger. That unresolved anger created a desire for revenge. But I understood that acting on revenge could be another form of externalize anger so I continued to try to repress it. The desire for revenge turned into repeated fantasies about how a fire could break their business. After weeks of fire fantasies I got bored and began thinking instead about how even a little bit of water damage could materially upset their business and probably their profitability too. After many weeks of stewing on this anger daily (and sometimes many times a day), I realized that I had to give it up. So I made the conscious choice just to release the anger. This could have been, possibly, the worst innocent action of my life.
A few months later I happened to be in the area of that restaurant and decided to drive by. I found the restaurant closed. On the door was a note apologizing for the inconvenience to their patrons - their closing being caused by a fire. I raced to the library and began searching for related news articles. I found in a local paper an interview with one of the owners stating that a small kitchen fire occurring after hours did a little damage and the water used to put out the fire created incremental damage. The cumulative effect required them to close for repairs.
The restaurant reopened eight months later but apparently never regained their prior popularity. The owners closed forever just two years later. When I heard that news in very early 1999, I was of course reminded of the intense anger I carried and fed for months those three years earlier.
Now jump back to 1998 and the events I posted in the thread titled “The second, third, and fourth times I think I might have manipulated matter”. After the first and second of those three occurrences, which were in 1998 and 1999 respectively, I became strongly impressed that I was somehow mystically and willfully triggering desired changes in my immediate local environment. Then I thought back to how I processed the anger with that restaurant three years earlier. I went back and reread the news articles about the fire and only then upon a second reading did I realize just how closely the owner’s descriptions of the fire and water damages matched my revenge fantasies. Then I started thinking that if I could at least manipulate my local environment mystically, maybe I could also have contributed to the restaurant’s disaster remotely.
So it was that series of events and realizations about my angers which made me turn to a pagan path - and Wiccan education - to look for ways to deal with my psychic self and related occurrences. Though Wicca was not the holistic answer I needed, I did learn quickly that it was important to control energy as well as thoughts and how either influences the other. In retrospect, whether I did or did not contribute to the demise of that restaurant, I learned that it is not appropriate to fester (a.k.a., mediate) on a hurtful thought and then just let it go recklessly. I’ve learned that those actions are nearly the same as mediating on a positive thought and then purposefully releasing your desires into the ether where they might manifest a related good result.
And that once hidden burden is now off my chest. I hope that by sharing this lengthy story that others who struggle with their own feelings and/or even their psychic communications might feel they are not alone.
