-Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then if they do like what you have to say you're a mileaway a d you have their shoes!
-The secret to a successful marriage is learning to embrace your mistake.
-Have you seen that new Harry Potter movie? At this point it feels like they're just making stuff up.
-Thank God I'm an atheist!
-It's not a "Dad Bod". The correct term is "Father Figure".
-Wife: Did you remember to buy batteries at the store?
Me: Yes, they're just not included
-My Daughter after hearing a Dad Joke: Dad, that's not funny.
Me: Then why am I laughing so hard?!