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- Nov 22, 2017
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Ok, so I took some advice for once. I have an on tap gag reel that is my dressing the tripe of my research career up as lamb. I've had some very odd and sometimes downright dangerous assignments offered to me, I'm sure the outcome of some were I would be nuked, or all life on Earth would be extinct. And I'd be nuked again, just to make sure.
Everyone reckons I'm a funny guy, by the way. I'm not lying... I was asked to end life on the planet. By after effect, of course.
I read much later after I started telling these capers that the scientists on the Manhattan Project believed there was a 50/ 50 chance the test nuke blast would ignite the atmosphere. The consensus was, we'll win the war no matter what, so the test went ahead. We're still here, so I'd much like no repeats of that.
In any case, have a bit of a laugh if you will, this is the first time I've written any of these down. And please excuse my potty mouth, one of the virtues of a Catholic education.
Cheers!
Wolf.
Edit: On request, I've censored all of the more extreme profanity. Given I have no idea if this is a PG or G rated forum, its likely for the best. Other non-profane popular culture references kept for humour value. Appreciate the help on that one Debi, cheers.
/w.
Everyone reckons I'm a funny guy, by the way. I'm not lying... I was asked to end life on the planet. By after effect, of course.
I read much later after I started telling these capers that the scientists on the Manhattan Project believed there was a 50/ 50 chance the test nuke blast would ignite the atmosphere. The consensus was, we'll win the war no matter what, so the test went ahead. We're still here, so I'd much like no repeats of that.
In any case, have a bit of a laugh if you will, this is the first time I've written any of these down. And please excuse my potty mouth, one of the virtues of a Catholic education.
Cheers!
Wolf.
Project A119, Down Under
“Wolf, we need a really huge demonstration.”
At this time, late 2014, my life consisted of endless progress meetings in Sydney and Newcastle with my scentific and engineering supervisors. I was technically working in aerospace research at this point, although renewable energy was never kept too far from my mind.
When I was in Sydney, I had the really hot, slinky little French aerospace cadet engineer who was one of my bosses to use as eye candy while I told her about power timing profiles on Cubesat orbits. I was usually trying to get a good look at her pitiful cleavage, better than my ex I gotta say though! She never had any idea, the other boss, a mechatronics cadet engineer, always made sure I had at least three schooners under my belt before any progress meeting.
However, in Newcastle, it was a Hungry Jacks kind of thing. Hell, no beer man!
And… a “huge demonstration”?
“Whaddya thinking mate?” I asked, shovelling another handful of fries into my mouth.
My adopted brother, boss, and literal disciple pondered a moment. I’m a dumb tech, not a Damned priest. “I’ve thought about hovering it just off the Harbour Bridge for a week, a massive quadcoptor...”
“Be about twenty metres minimum.”
“Right! Just to get attention, some scrolling signs, ‘How do you think we’re doing this?!’”
Ok, I thought, this is good. Solid, tangible proof of a COP of over 1 for a fusion reactor. My brother had given me the physics weeks beforehand, it checked out. The thing might have a half a chance, not like that piece of *!#$ we all know as the tokamak.
Then he sprung it on me.
“I have another idea...”
-------------
He stopped thumping me on the back about a minute later.
“You right Wolf?” he asked, his eyes concerned.
“Yeah, bones in it… tell me again, are you *!#$ing insane?! You want to nuke the Moon?!”
“Well, not nuke, but I believe it’d hit the Moon at about 85% of the speed of light.”
“*!#$ off.”
“Slower? Can’t be.”
“Try approximately 93% of the speed of light. You must’ve dropped a zero somewhere important.”
He whistled. “93% of the speed of...”
“What about the slingshot effect of the gravity imbalance? We’d be cast out of the Green Zone!”
“Its not enough mass.”
“How do we know? This thing is going to be moving at a speed we have never accomplished. The resultant impact could literally wipe out all life on Earth! Thought about the temporal dilation? Will it happen now? Or some point up the creek into Timelike Infinity? Could a resultant fragment send a continent to the floor of the ocean, Dinosaur Killer style? Jesus H. Chri...!!!"
“But Wolf…”
“But Wolf what?!”
“Its just an idea.”
“Just an idea?! You’re talking about NUKING THE *!#$ING MOON MAN!”
“Alright, I get it. Can we trim the speed off a bit?”
“Dude, no one is nuking the Moon, not less us, for Gods sake! I don’t care if its in the name of proving a point.”
“Yanks wanted to do it.”
“Yeah, I’d believe that… ‘I’m Afraid of Americans...’”
“Your mates in Moscow wanted to as well.”
“Saber rattling. God, it was the Cold Freaking War man. They had a two word answer to everything: nuclear *!#$ing weapons. Taxes - nuke 'em. Watergate - nuke 'em. Ronnie Reagan's 'Star Wars' ain't working - you guessed it! Nuke 'em! Lee Harvey Oswald says something halfway intelligible, Goddamnit, Debbie nukes 'em all! You and I are here, in this Hungry Freaking Jacks, talking legitimately about blowing the *!#$ing Moon out of orbit. And Debbie did a fine job doing Dallas, for the record, three times!"
“Got a better idea?”
“Know of a big white house in a sheep paddock down South, my taxes pay for a bit of hot air to be made in there…?”
“No! No, no, no Wolf, no! We are not going to blow up the Parliament!”
“Aww, come on, I’d get like the Medal of Valour or some *!#$.”
“They’re my bosses!”
“So? I like the Moon, plus it don’t owe me an obscene amount of money like your bosses do!”
“We are not wiping Canberra off the face of the map.”
“Then leave the Moon alone. Deal?”
“Alright.”
“And don’t grumble. I’ll use the PM as my test load for the ignition coil... all ten million electron-volts...”
“Oh, for Gods sake…!”
“Fine!”
So, thats how I saved the Moon from a madman with a fusion reactor. You thought the Yanks had an issue with how small their *!#$s were compared to the Russians… yeah, right! However, I understand there are now wise toilets in the Antipodes now…? I wasn't able to fix that issue with the Ruddbot V2.
Hey, do I get like a medal or something? Just don't tell anyone about that major firmware issue with the Ruddbots...
If you liked this one, I'll pen some more. You wait till the ITU almost painted my hide across a mountain range...“Wolf, we need a really huge demonstration.”
At this time, late 2014, my life consisted of endless progress meetings in Sydney and Newcastle with my scentific and engineering supervisors. I was technically working in aerospace research at this point, although renewable energy was never kept too far from my mind.
When I was in Sydney, I had the really hot, slinky little French aerospace cadet engineer who was one of my bosses to use as eye candy while I told her about power timing profiles on Cubesat orbits. I was usually trying to get a good look at her pitiful cleavage, better than my ex I gotta say though! She never had any idea, the other boss, a mechatronics cadet engineer, always made sure I had at least three schooners under my belt before any progress meeting.
However, in Newcastle, it was a Hungry Jacks kind of thing. Hell, no beer man!
And… a “huge demonstration”?
“Whaddya thinking mate?” I asked, shovelling another handful of fries into my mouth.
My adopted brother, boss, and literal disciple pondered a moment. I’m a dumb tech, not a Damned priest. “I’ve thought about hovering it just off the Harbour Bridge for a week, a massive quadcoptor...”
“Be about twenty metres minimum.”
“Right! Just to get attention, some scrolling signs, ‘How do you think we’re doing this?!’”
Ok, I thought, this is good. Solid, tangible proof of a COP of over 1 for a fusion reactor. My brother had given me the physics weeks beforehand, it checked out. The thing might have a half a chance, not like that piece of *!#$ we all know as the tokamak.
Then he sprung it on me.
“I have another idea...”
-------------
He stopped thumping me on the back about a minute later.
“You right Wolf?” he asked, his eyes concerned.
“Yeah, bones in it… tell me again, are you *!#$ing insane?! You want to nuke the Moon?!”
“Well, not nuke, but I believe it’d hit the Moon at about 85% of the speed of light.”
“*!#$ off.”
“Slower? Can’t be.”
“Try approximately 93% of the speed of light. You must’ve dropped a zero somewhere important.”
He whistled. “93% of the speed of...”
“What about the slingshot effect of the gravity imbalance? We’d be cast out of the Green Zone!”
“Its not enough mass.”
“How do we know? This thing is going to be moving at a speed we have never accomplished. The resultant impact could literally wipe out all life on Earth! Thought about the temporal dilation? Will it happen now? Or some point up the creek into Timelike Infinity? Could a resultant fragment send a continent to the floor of the ocean, Dinosaur Killer style? Jesus H. Chri...!!!"
“But Wolf…”
“But Wolf what?!”
“Its just an idea.”
“Just an idea?! You’re talking about NUKING THE *!#$ING MOON MAN!”
“Alright, I get it. Can we trim the speed off a bit?”
“Dude, no one is nuking the Moon, not less us, for Gods sake! I don’t care if its in the name of proving a point.”
“Yanks wanted to do it.”
“Yeah, I’d believe that… ‘I’m Afraid of Americans...’”
“Your mates in Moscow wanted to as well.”
“Saber rattling. God, it was the Cold Freaking War man. They had a two word answer to everything: nuclear *!#$ing weapons. Taxes - nuke 'em. Watergate - nuke 'em. Ronnie Reagan's 'Star Wars' ain't working - you guessed it! Nuke 'em! Lee Harvey Oswald says something halfway intelligible, Goddamnit, Debbie nukes 'em all! You and I are here, in this Hungry Freaking Jacks, talking legitimately about blowing the *!#$ing Moon out of orbit. And Debbie did a fine job doing Dallas, for the record, three times!"
“Got a better idea?”
“Know of a big white house in a sheep paddock down South, my taxes pay for a bit of hot air to be made in there…?”
“No! No, no, no Wolf, no! We are not going to blow up the Parliament!”
“Aww, come on, I’d get like the Medal of Valour or some *!#$.”
“They’re my bosses!”
“So? I like the Moon, plus it don’t owe me an obscene amount of money like your bosses do!”
“We are not wiping Canberra off the face of the map.”
“Then leave the Moon alone. Deal?”
“Alright.”
“And don’t grumble. I’ll use the PM as my test load for the ignition coil... all ten million electron-volts...”
“Oh, for Gods sake…!”
“Fine!”
So, thats how I saved the Moon from a madman with a fusion reactor. You thought the Yanks had an issue with how small their *!#$s were compared to the Russians… yeah, right! However, I understand there are now wise toilets in the Antipodes now…? I wasn't able to fix that issue with the Ruddbot V2.
Hey, do I get like a medal or something? Just don't tell anyone about that major firmware issue with the Ruddbots...
Edit: On request, I've censored all of the more extreme profanity. Given I have no idea if this is a PG or G rated forum, its likely for the best. Other non-profane popular culture references kept for humour value. Appreciate the help on that one Debi, cheers.
/w.
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