- Joined
- Jul 27, 2019
- Messages
- 2
- Reaction score
- 1
- Points
- 3
- Age
- 25
When i was younger, i questioned myself and existence in life. My parents were divorced and have been since i was just a little baby, i remember how i would go over to my friends house to hang with them and i would see their parents together and how sad i was wishing i had something like that.. i lived with my mom when i was a lot younger as a child. I remember too much, and constantly thinking too much about all the abuse. When i was able to get away from it, i was at school, and when i was at school i was getting bullied. that changed a lot throughout my years and developed a lot of social anxiety from that. When it came around my middle school years, i was a nobody. I had no friends, i was constantly jumping around from group to group, haven't had one those types of people that just hits you up to say wassup, but more like me having to text them wassup cause they dont ever hit me up, if someone did hit me up, they would just wanted to use me for smoke or something they want. I felt like a outcast. as i got older and older i developed more problems with myself and have been needing to take medication just to keep my shit straight for the rest of my life. When i got into high school, i was still just that outcast. I never found my place, was always just that loner dude. Girls saw this as a turn on or something in that way because i was independent, and i was. After being so mentally corrupted and thought otherwise of those around me. I began to start dating and getting into relationships. Bad idea. 1 girlfriend after the other, tearing me down, then building me up again to only have me think otherwise. and have i thought otherwise.. at one point i couldn't handle being in another relationship due to afraid of being hurt so deeply but at the exact same time wishing that someone was there that wouldn't hurt me at all.. This was at the time when i was around 18 and my mom kicked me out of her apartment to just get me a room as a roomate at this house. I had my own room, nor have i been taking my meds at that time so this made me think a lot. This was one of the most depressing stages in my life, at that house i attempted to OD off of migraine pills, little did i know how much to take, now to this day i constantly hear a ringing in my ears. i went to the hospital and then they cleaned my system, after that i was off to once again, a psychiatric hospital. being in there was nothing new to me since i have been in and out of those my whole life. nothing changed the way i thought about myself and existence no matter how many of those i went. I just put on a fake smile and say that i'm okay, then they let me go. At one point at that house when in my room, i looked into some dark stuff, i found a article that had in detail of "How To Sell Your Soul To The Devil" i grew attached to this idea of, "Selling Your Soul" . So i got into it. I remember i did this a couple times, i don't remember vividly, but i remember signing my name in blood and burning the pact i made as it dispersed into the atmosphere. After those days i did that Pact i haven't thought much of it. I honestly felt like i did it wrong, or it doesn't work.. again this was when i was around 18. But these past 2 years i've been thinking alot of what i've done, and i'm starting to believe more and more that i actually have sold my soul. I've noticed that i've been just so emotionless with others, with one of my ex's as well i recently broke up with because, "It was just not there" . i remember when we argued i was the meanest peace of shit, and after that said and done, i just felt no sense for how the other person feels or how my words would inflict them. This was one of the longest relationships i've been in my entire life and almost went a whole year. But when i broke up with her because i realized that i can't love someone because im not loving myself, i didnt feel anything unlike how i usually do after a break up. I was just having this feeling of an aching emptiness inside me, and knew i wasn't my normal self. I wasn't me. I remember, at one point when i was low key living with my ex because i got kicked out of a transitional living from my roomate assaulting me, and her room was always really hot so i had my shirt off, casually on my phone looking down at it, and i noticed that there was a red line forming on my chest, one line at a time fading in until it stopped, it looked almost like a unconnected triangle, my ex noticed this bizarre red outlining that were appearing on my chest, after awhile it then faded away, again one line at a time after the other till it was completely gone. I think alot about this occurrence, not sure if it was demonic related or not, but then again i draw so much negativity to myself that it will affect me if i don't have medication to keep me going and thinking otherwise.
thoughts keep running in my mind only a glimpse of things i can find..
thoughts keep running in my mind only a glimpse of things i can find..
