Why I have faith now.
I never believed in the Lord, when I was 4 was the first time I felt child abuse from my father. For ppl who are not that old in the 70's jackets had plastic zippers, 1976. My zipper split my dad was pissed back handed me fell into there bed on the floor. My mom came in was like mommy, she told my dad said not to hit them that hard. Mind you back then some females didn't go against there husband's. My father favorite items hand's leather strap walking stick and belt. So years of this my faith was dwindling, with the attitude of why would God let this happen. Then when they divorced, my mom latched on to a new guy, took us out of the pan into the fire. Let's say he was a predator leave it at that. At that point I hated God. I ran away from home became a drunk at 16. When I ran away I always wished someone would kill me to end the pain. At 17 I committed suicide I remembered, hearing the doctor say we are loosing her, at that moment i was so happy. I literally felt myself leave my body floating up it was so calm peaceful. Then I felt like a hand or something stop me, then I felt myself going back down it hit my body so hard from what I heard I made doctor nurse's jump. I remember crying I was back. Now many years later I lost my son on January 1,1995 I cursed God like no tomorrow, was told never have children again. 5 months later I got pregnant with my daughter. Almost lost her 3 times when I gave birth to her early realized it was palm Sunday. 2yrs later she came down with 3 infections kidney,bladder, throat. They said after the second day she won't make it, the 3rd day I look at my baby laying there, I fell to my knee's. I said God please don't punish my daughter for my sins (though what my dad and step dad did was my fault) please dont take my baby, I will change I will speak your word's, just let me keep her. I climbed into bed with her crying thinking gonna wake up my baby will be gone. I woke up to my daughter holding my hand and laughing. I cried so much the nurse yelling for the doctor. He was completely beside himself. They ran blood work everything and there was not a single trace of any infection in her body. The next day they let her go home.
That's when I realized God never left me. And I realized that what the men in my life did to me was there choice and not god will. I stopped blaming him because everyone makes the choices they do regardless if it is right or wrong.
I literally walked threw hell in my life look evil in the face 2 times walked out the other side.
I tell people that you can't control what happens in life from someone else, but if bad happens, you control the hate and anger don't let it control you. When I tell people that, I know it makes the think. And I hope it helped changed people. I know alot think Lord- God is it not real and that is fine but for me I know he does.
Left home at 17 moved to California at 19 cause my mom needed me.
I never believed in the Lord, when I was 4 was the first time I felt child abuse from my father. For ppl who are not that old in the 70's jackets had plastic zippers, 1976. My zipper split my dad was pissed back handed me fell into there bed on the floor. My mom came in was like mommy, she told my dad said not to hit them that hard. Mind you back then some females didn't go against there husband's. My father favorite items hand's leather strap walking stick and belt. So years of this my faith was dwindling, with the attitude of why would God let this happen. Then when they divorced, my mom latched on to a new guy, took us out of the pan into the fire. Let's say he was a predator leave it at that. At that point I hated God. I ran away from home became a drunk at 16. When I ran away I always wished someone would kill me to end the pain. At 17 I committed suicide I remembered, hearing the doctor say we are loosing her, at that moment i was so happy. I literally felt myself leave my body floating up it was so calm peaceful. Then I felt like a hand or something stop me, then I felt myself going back down it hit my body so hard from what I heard I made doctor nurse's jump. I remember crying I was back. Now many years later I lost my son on January 1,1995 I cursed God like no tomorrow, was told never have children again. 5 months later I got pregnant with my daughter. Almost lost her 3 times when I gave birth to her early realized it was palm Sunday. 2yrs later she came down with 3 infections kidney,bladder, throat. They said after the second day she won't make it, the 3rd day I look at my baby laying there, I fell to my knee's. I said God please don't punish my daughter for my sins (though what my dad and step dad did was my fault) please dont take my baby, I will change I will speak your word's, just let me keep her. I climbed into bed with her crying thinking gonna wake up my baby will be gone. I woke up to my daughter holding my hand and laughing. I cried so much the nurse yelling for the doctor. He was completely beside himself. They ran blood work everything and there was not a single trace of any infection in her body. The next day they let her go home.
That's when I realized God never left me. And I realized that what the men in my life did to me was there choice and not god will. I stopped blaming him because everyone makes the choices they do regardless if it is right or wrong.
I literally walked threw hell in my life look evil in the face 2 times walked out the other side.
I tell people that you can't control what happens in life from someone else, but if bad happens, you control the hate and anger don't let it control you. When I tell people that, I know it makes the think. And I hope it helped changed people. I know alot think Lord- God is it not real and that is fine but for me I know he does.
Left home at 17 moved to California at 19 cause my mom needed me.
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